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Honoring a Death Anniversary — Year 17

We just moved past the 17th anniversary of my dad, Tim's death. 

He died when I was 20 and in the early weeks I was very fixated on the idea that if I made it to 40 I would have lived longer without him than with him. 

Now that 40 mark is soon approaching and I've beginning to think about how strange it would feel to outlive my dad (though I have a bit of an idea because I've now outlived my big sister). 

It took me many, many years to figure out what to do on my dad's death anniversary. In the early years I felt general malaise — and also was incredibly bewildered when it felt like no one else cared or noticed. Eventually I outright told my then boyfriend that he had to remember this day. I couldn't continue reminding him that he needed toremember.

I always had a plan that that would be the day I donated blood, particularly because my dad had relied heavily on medical interventions for the entirety of his adult life. But, that never stuck. 

Then, a few years ago I thought about going out to dinner and leaving a big tip. My dad loved eating out, and he was also incredibly generous. So, I thought this would be a nice way to remember him on a day with a particularly painful past. 

This year